Thursday

dear harold,
So you slept with someone else, or so you say. And you would not have told me if i didn't ask. We are not together, so it's not like you cheated on me... you have always said that you never do things like that, cheat i mean. It's kind of strange, I care but I don't.  Mainly because I want to sleep with someone else too... just to get over you I guess. This doesn't sound very healthy, I know. But I still like you, and I'm pretty sure you still like me. I guess what happened Thursday for you was a meaningless one night stand, or so I would like to think. Maybe I should ask you about that. I'm sorry I suddenly attacked you at that party yesterday. I think I'm going to text you and apologize.
The sex with you is not that great. I'm sorry, but even though I have nothing else to compare it to, I know that it's supposed to be better than that.
I like how comfortable I feel around you, and how you do cute things sometimes and take care of me.
I know that if I were at a party and a boy wanted to sleep with me, I would not refuse him. Definitely. So there is no reason why i should be mad a you. Kind of silly of me. Hopefully I can explain this to you. And I should really stop deleting your number from my phone, its kind of childish.
Basically, I need to rethink my entire attitude about relationships.  I dont think I want a boyfriend. And I definitely dont want you for a boyfriend. I tried that, and the results were a letdown.
I guess what I'm asking for is that if both of us sleep with other people, can what we have between us be slightly more special than all those others? or is it also meaningless? Shit, these are deep questions. I hope I don't freak you out with them.  You will always be special to me because you were my first. But, will I be special to you?

-G

a few days later

dear harold,
This doesn't make any sense. You told me you were falling for me. You told me you getting really attached to me. You practically told me you were in love with me just two weeks ago. What the hell changed? Is it that girl? Thats the only explanation i can come up with. I don't understand. And you don't even acknowledge me at the student center. What is this? What's wrong with me? And why all of a sudden? So i guess it's not Evan's fault that Sarah and I cant go to parties. It's yours. You don't want me there. Is that girl brainwashing you? Are you just really stressed out about school? Because I can understand that. If only you would just tell me. Just tell me what's wrong. We can work this out. I freakin drove for a freakin hour on the highway to visit you at your grandma's house. How can you do this to me?  I feel betrayed. You are really hurting me. I really like you. Hell, I probably love you if i knew what that word meant. We are going to talk about this tomorrow. Most of me just wants you to hold me and then kiss me. But a very small part knows that is not working and we need to talk. I'm scared. I don't want to loose you. I should have payed more attention to how many stripes I put on that scarf. It must have been a nine. And I thought I was so careful. I should have just stayed in the city for new year's eve when you asked me. That might have made things better. I want to meet your friends. I want to be introduced to them as your girl. You don't have to say girlfriend. That word makes me uncomfortable too. I would much rather you called me you girl. You made me very happy in Rome. I might have been the happiest time of my life. All thanks to you. So thank you. You will always be my first everything. You are a really lovely person. Depending on what happens tomorrow, this may be goodbye. I had a lot of fun with you. You made me feel alive. I just hope someday I will feel like that again with someone else. Harold, you are what made rome great.

-G

back at home

dear harold,
Everything will be alright. I'm not going to panic.  I have no reason to panic.  You will come over tonight. It will be like every other time. Although, I might have to ask you if you still like me.
I just want you to hug me and tell me you still like me. Thats all. This is all too much to handle. I haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon in the student center, but you seemed preoccupied with those girls. You havent slept over since Tuesday. You almost never answer my text messages. You only anser if it is a direct question, and only an hour later. You'r not trying to spend time with me. I know you have a lot of friends here. That part is different from Rome. There it was just the two of us a lot. Maybe you didnt like that... but I did. Thats my style. It's how i do things. I get attached to one or two people and spent all my time with them.  I know you missed all your home friends and now that you are back at school you want to see them.... but it makes me nervous.  As soon as we got here I introduced you to all my friends because I have been telling them how great you are for the past four months.  You havent tried to introduce me to any of your friends. Not even those girls who were sitting with you at lunch. It makes me sad. And scared. Sad because I like you and I want to meet your friends and I want you to want me to meet your friends.  And scared because you have become a big part of my life and i dont want to loose you.  There thats it. You make my life better. You make me happy. I cried at the last dinner in Rome because you changed my life. You showed me that i was likable. i have never been liked before. It's weird.
If this is the end, I will really miss you. We can still be friends, maybe, or maybe not. I'm sorry i just dont know. But i do know that i will cry a lot. I just hope not in front of you. Or maybe in front of you. I don't know. I wish you would just get here already. So that I can stop thinking. Thinking is starting to hurt my head. I dont like it. I can't believe i made you that scarf. It was a weak move. Oh well, i know it couldnt last for ever. You told me it couldnt last for ever. You really did. Oh man, i just remembered you told me that. But then you also said you were falling for me. I wish we could just talk. I wish you could just sleep with me. Without having sex. Or maybe with sex. i really do like it. I like the way you look at me. Sometimes i close my eyes, but you don't.  Its cute. Like you can't stop looking at me.

-G

around thanksgiving

dear harold,
There are a lot of babies in this world. too much in fact.  So many that the world is running out of resources to support all of them.
I have goals. carreer goals.  I want to be an illustrator.  I want to draw beautiful things and live in beautiful places.  Babies would not allow this to happen.  If I were to get pregnant and have a baby my life as i know it would be over. I cannnot let this happen. I have worked too hard to get to this point.  There is too much at stake.  There will be no babies at least untill I am thirty.  And certanly not with you.  Its nothing personal. I think you are a pretty cool person.  And you are very atractive. But i dont think you are the one.  Which is silly because I think for the past few weeks I have been trying to convince myself that you are the one and that we can live happyly ever after.
But the truthi is, there are a lot of men out there. and the only thing that makes you special to me is that you are my first.  that is all. I am not breaking up with you. although i think it is certanly coming to that.  perhaps even before we leave Rome.  but i dont think i will be the one to do it.  I enjoy the company too much.  and you are very good company.  you make me feel happy and good about myself.  you make me feel beautiful. i like it when you do cute things.  like singing after we have sex, or washing the dishes after i make you an omlet.  not just your dishes, but all the dishes.  Also, i like it when you hold my hand in public, but only when you take it first.  I like how deep deep down you are selfconcious even thought you pretend like you are not.  I like how you seem to like the tea that I make you.  I like when you cook dinner for me.  I wish we could do cute things togethr doring the day mere often.  date-like things.  that is what i thought we would do this week. but you decided to stay in Amsterdam.  Ethan's girlfriend cannot be that aweful.  and anyway, if you were always with me, you would not have had to see her.  this is why i feel like our time is coming to an end.  you are not making an effort to be with me anymore.  and it upseats me.  I try to brush it off but its hard.  I dont want you to ever leave me.  I want you to fall hopelessly in love with me.  I want to have the upper hand.  when you come back from amsterdam, I am ging to be beautiful and sexy around you.  You will not be able to resist and then you will fall in love with me.  and then i will end it because i do not love you and there are plenty of fish in the sea.  You will be devestated and you will try to win me back.  Mind you, it will be difficult.  You will have to buy me a lot of flowers.  Thats another thing.  I wish you would buy  me flowers.  I know you always say that if i want flowers i should just tell you and then you will buy them for me. But come on. What girl does not want  flowers. This is madness.

-G

close to the beginning

dear harold,
i need to say something.
you know i like you, and i definitely do.
and you say that im sending you mixed signals about that, but the thing is, im just a little bit confused about this situation.
the other night, i think it was too much too soon.  i said i wasnt going to have sex with you... and all that stuff, it felt a lot like sex. and i know it wasn't, but im just confused.
this seems very casual. and i thinks thats what you want... but i always thought that i would do this when i was in a serious relationship.  and i think i would like that with you.   but i dont know if you feel the same way.......
and im not acusing you of anything, nor am i pressuring to make any decision, and i definitely did not feel pressured to do anything.
and even if we were in a relationship, i cant promise that i would have sex with you any time soon.  which i guess isnt really fair, but im just not ready.
and im wondering if when we go home you will get back together with that girl.  and i feel like i cant really ask you not to.....
but all i can think about is how much i would like all my friends back home to meet you, because you're so cute and smart and funny.
i think thats it.

-G